It has been another strong month for equities. Despite the Gamestop debacle, my portfolio has seen another month of green, and has hit my base target of 10% gain in less than 2 months.
It is mostly thanks to a strong performance from Palantir. With gains of over USD $50,000, it has eclipsed my loss of USD $22,000 in GME and NOK. At least surfing the wallstreetbets forum hasn’t been all bad.
|14 Jan 2021||9 Feb 2021|
|Stocks||$1.03 mil||$1.121 mil|
|Total||$1.158 mil||$1.205 mil|
|Gain from previous month||$47,000|
Not too much to report for fixed income and cash. Cash has been dwindling because I try not to hold onto too much of it. Better to be deposited in the margin account, giving a better return compared with a bank account.
I can’t help but feel like I don’t understand the dynamics of the market at the moment. I’ve been wrong on multiple fronts, despite being confident in my thinking at the time. First, selling Paypal and Square, which climbed significantly after I sold. Then placing the proceeds in GME, only to lose 80% within three days. I had also written an article about my distaste for Bitcoin. Meanwhile, news broke out yesterday that Tesla has bought $1.5 billion of Bitcoin, leading Bitcoin to all-time highs. Don’t get me started on dogecoin.
My results have not been bad by any means. Most people would kill to get a $47,000 gain in less than a month. But when everyone else seems to be doubling their money, a 5% month on month return seems a bit pathetic.
These unrealistic expectations also extend to my personal life. By most measures, I have done well despite stage 3 cancer. I had a large insurance lump sum which I have grown further, regular monthly payouts for not working, and private health insurance. I’ve gotten married and have a good kid. Many cancer patients have shit for cover, and get tiny payouts when a critical illness hits. I know some who were hit before they got married and have children, and the window for those life events closes.
Yet, being ecstatic is not what I would describe myself. I’m tired of feeling tired, and I don’t have the same capacity and energy I used to have. I cannot enjoy many of the things I used to do, and it feels like its getting worse. And I have spent most of the last year trying to improve my health, with very little to show for it. I’m not sure what else I can do.
I’m at a difficult stage in my Masters course right now, and I’m struggling to understand the lectures and tutorials. Worse, I find myself questioning the whole reason of doing this, as its hard to imagine I’ll be back in a corporate environment doing data science and strategy work. But I’m already over half-way completed. Dropping out now would be a complete waste. Hopefully this is the toughest part, and the rest of the year should be more manageable.
Hate ending on a depressing note, but I’ve always treated writing here to be a sort of relief. Writing out how I’m feeling in the moment out helps to process it in my head. I don’t have all the answers right now.
But step by step, I have to press on.